With more than 40 years in leadership, and as a husband, dad and grandfather, I’ve learned that it’s truly all about people.
The most meaningful and transformative moments in life are bound in relationships. These moments become treasured memories that bring joy to your soul.
The great value of relationships along with the intentional care and effort required may seem obvious. Yet when under pressure, whether personal or professional, it’s not easy to practice this on a consistent basis.
**The photo in this post represents those kinds of life-long friendships that are difficult to describe in words but cherished beyond measure.
It doesn’t matter how smart you are, how gifted you are, or how much you know about vision and strategy. If you don’t know how to connect with and get along with people, you won’t make it far as a leader.
If you don’t invest in friendships, you may end up traveling through life alone. The encouraging truth is that great relationships are not difficult, but they require time, love and the willingness to put others first.
We’ve all made our fair share of relational mistakes, and no doubt you are grateful like I am, for the people who have been kind and patient. I appreciate those who gave me a chance and continue to extend grace.
- When we learn to treat people like we want to be treated, it’s amazing how much better life becomes.
- When we put others first, life has a way of giving back in wonderfully positive ways. That’s not the motivation, but it is the blessing.
John Maxwell has been a cherished friend and mentor for nearly 45 years. I’m so grateful for his love, belief, and investment in me. He has taught me so much about relationships over the years; I could fill a book. But for now, I’ll share just twelve of my favorite principles with you.
(I previously published this article with 10 principles, but I keep learning! So I changed the intro, updated the content and added 2 principles!)
The twelve principles are simple to understand. However, they are challenging to practice on a consistent basis.
This post is a great resource for you personally and to use with:
- Your Staff, (individually and as a group)
- Your Small Group
- Your Family and Friends
Ask two questions and talk about it.
- Which ones are you strongest at?
- Which ones need attention?
12 Great Relationship Principles:
1) We see people through our own lens.
Your self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-perception establish the foundation of all your relationships. The way you view yourself and the way you see life shapes how you see and relate to others.
Whether you see the cup as half full or half empty will transfer every time. When you invest in yourself, your personal growth and maturity, your relationships will always improve.
2) People don’t care how much you know, till they know how much you care.
Caring about people isn’t automatic. Not everyone cares. I’m sure you’ve run into people along the way when it was clear that they just didn’t care.
You can’t learn to care about people, it’s not a skill, but you can decide to care, trust and give your heart. You can ask God to help you become more caring.
If you want to successfully lead for the long-haul, being great at what you do isn’t enough. If you don’t sincerely care about people and live in such a way that demonstrates it, your leadership will suffer.
3) Listening from the heart is a game changer.
One of the greatest gifts you can give to anyone is to truly listen.
We are often in a hurry, there is so much to do, right? So, when you slow down for a minute or an hour and truly listen, you communicate that you value that person. It can be life-changing for them.
Listening from the heart requires the ability to make a soul level connection. You communicate empathy, interest and a desire to be helpful far more by listening than merely by your words.
4) Believing the best in people brings out the best of people.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day. Sorry, but I love that corny line because it’s true! What you look for you will find.
I was surprised one day when asked why pastors, family and friends only say the good things about someone at their funeral. Why would you want to emphasize someone’s shortcomings? Celebrate the good!
We are all flawed and imperfect, but when someone calls out the best in us we have the opportunity to rise to the higher standard.
5) Hurting people hurt people.
When the response to a situation is greater than the issue at hand, the real issue is always about something else. The wise leader learns how to get to the real issue.
People who are hurting don’t necessarily want to hurt people, but it’s like a lion with a thorn in his paw, he can’t help it. If we can help people take the thorn out, we can help them live better. In turn, if you are in a relationship with them, your life becomes better too.
6) Admitting wrongs and forgiving quickly is refreshing to the soul.
Taking responsibility for your actions is core to healthy and productive relationships.
If you make a mistake, own it. If you treat someone poorly, ask forgiveness. Getting defensive or bowing up never makes a relationship better. You might be right, but if you need to win, you’ll lose in the long run.
When you are wronged, forgive quickly. You’ll live with less stress and enjoy life more fully.
7) Candid conversation opens the door to genuine connection and personal growth.
Normal fears and common insecurities can cause us to hold back on what we really think, but honesty is foundational to any meaningful and lasting relationship.
There are times when holding our tongue for the sake of kindness and appropriate timing is the right thing, but overall, the deepest of relationships are forged through openness and honesty.
Personally, I want to know where a person stands. I want to know who they really are, and that shapes the direction of the relationship.
8) Generosity brings joy to all involved.
Always give more than you receive.
There may be a few people in your life that you think it’s impossible to out give them. I understand that. John would be one of those people in my life. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t purpose to be generous anyway.
Giving more than you receive is a habit of the heart and not necessarily person by person.
This is not about a scorecard. It’s not a competition. If you keep track, you’ve missed the point. It’s a heart level thing. It’s a way of living. When your motives are pure, it will bring you great joy.
9) Adding value to people is essential for a fulfilling life.
You can add value to people in simple ways and in big ways. Adding value is no more complex than the ways in which you contribute to their life. When you add value, you make their life more meaningful, productive and joyful.
It can be as simple as a kind and encouraging word, and it can be as involved as a lifetime of mentoring. Sometimes it involves enough love and courage to have a tough and honest conversation.
The greatest value you can add to anyone is the message of Jesus Christ. The gift of eternal life is the greatest and highest value you can bring to someone.
10) Encouragement is like a breath of fresh air to any relationship
You know the answer – but let me ask anyway. Have you ever been encouraged too much by someone? Of course not. Likewise, you can never encourage anyone too much either.
Encouragement is the emotional fuel that enables people to hold longer, reach farther and dig deeper than previously believed possible.
Whether it’s your kids, an employee, volunteers at the church, a co-worker or your neighbor, take the time to give frequent and sincere encouragement. Your leadership will rise because of it.
Encouragement is the emotional fuel that enables people to hold longer, reach farther and dig deeper than previously believed possible
11) Grace over judgement always strengthens a relationship.
Speaking truth is an important part of a healthy relationship. And sometimes speaking truth, even in love, stings a little. But it’s never good to allow truth to become judgement.
Jesus modeled this well. He spoke truth, like to the woman at the well, but grace was the foundation of his ministry and continues to be the basis of redemption. He never lowered standards, but offered compassion over condemnation.
Judgment brings division, distance, and can harden one’s heart.
Grace is a great gift we can offer daily, from the little things to substantial matters.
12) Trust is the lifeblood of all relationships.
When it comes to a relationship, trust is like a promise, and you should always keep your promise.
In fact, that’s the essence of trust. People are counting on you to keep your promises. This reflects your character and ultimately who you are.
No reasonable person expects perfection, but they do expect honesty, kindness and that you will do what you say you’ll do.
Where are you strong?
What needs attention?
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:10
